shaanspot

Last summer, in Prague, my ex-girlfriend and I started this little inside joke. After walking around and looking at cathedrals and statues and palaces and stuff we began to notice a peculiar little trend. Most of these famous sites, if not all, were in one-way or another, undergoing some form of renovation or construction. Pretty annoying, but we sucked it up for the good of the common tourist, and accepted that these things had to be done. This would become our joke, that all of Europe, or at least the parts we saw together, would inevitably be under construction. A week or so into the trip, we went to Cesky Krumlov, a gorgeous town, three hours by train from Prague. The castle there–under construction. Then we went to Budapest. The bathhouses there–being renovated. Parliament there–closed for renovation. Then we went to Bucharest. Well, lets face it, if you’ve ever been to Bucharest, the whole city looks like a construction site, and could use a little renovation. Then Dubrovnik, in Croatia…ok Dubrovnik was the exception, absolutely beautiful and no renovation. Then Berlin–under construction for the last sixty years. Then, eight months later we were in Nice and Marseilles, in the South of France…both cities–under construction. New tram, apparently. Then this summer, I was in Sevilla, Spain, for two months–under construction, also a new tram.

In October, I moved here to Vienna. After a month of living at the clubhouse with my ex-girlfriend and her three, 20 year old, girl flat mates (shudder), I found a wonderful apartment in the 8th district. My room has two huge windows that offer me a breathtaking, unobstructed vista of the Old Lerchenfelder Church, directly across the street. “Ill take it.” I said to my soon-to-be flat mate, and moved in 10 days later.

The day I moved in to the new apartment became the punch line of our long-running joke, apparently. I arrived at 9am, began unpacking, and wondered what all that silly noise from across the street was. Oh, it’s the construction crew, putting up scaffolding on the church. So, for the last 110 days, this has been my breathtaking vista:

So, yes. Living here, directly acroos the street, under fucking construction.
Welcome to Europe, Shaan….sucker!…mwahahahaha!

Shower,

We have been living together for over one hundred days now, and I have to receive the slightest apology, mention of remorse, condolence, or behavioral adjustment from you regarding my previous complaints. I have restated them below to remind you:

10.10.06 .”FUCK.”
12.10.06. “ARRRRRRGGHH”
13.10.06. “NOOO. FUCK!”
14.10.06 “SHITFUCK.”

The list gets a bit redundant after this, but I can assure you, one, if not all of these slanders has been yelped in your confines everyday from October of 2006 to today, February 12th, 2007. Allow me to use this memo to remind you of your purpose. A shower is a precious thing, a wonder of our modern age. A shower is a place where a man prepares himself for his day. It is a man’s first exposure to the waking world from his slumbers. A shower is a place of peace. As such, I have prepared the following guide to help you achieve your purpose. A shower should include the following process:

1) Turn on water and wait-nipples hard, dashing tips of fingers into stream of water. Repeat three or four times until temperature is just right. 2) Step into stream of hot water. 3) Enjoy. 4) Shampoo hair. 5) Rinse. 6) Apply conditioner. 7) Brush teeth. 8. Soap body. 9) Wash face 10) Rinse conditioner out. 11) Enjoy stream of hot water some more. 12) Dry off body. 13) Step into your day invigorated, refreshed, and smelling amazing. A day filled with challenges you’re ready to take on because you’re invigorated and refreshed. A day filled with worthy adversaries, you have the confidence to best because you are smelling amazing.

Shower, let me remind you how you’ve made a mess of the aforementioned process.

Showering within your confines consists of the following process:

1)Turn on hot water–not too much, or the Snakeheadthing (SHT) will leap off its poorly designed Snakeheadhooks, and spray scalding water all over bathroom. If unable to control water pressure and lose control of SHT, divert scalding water stream away from eyes, turn off hot water, tend burns, repeat step. If first step is successful, step into tub. 2)Firmly grip SHT with left hand, diverting scalding water away from toes and adjust cold water pressure with right hand. When adequate temperature level is reached, prepare self for a cleaning module window of two minutes, before one must readjust coldwater pressure to preserve heat. 3) Place SHT in between legs, POINTING DOWN, pointing up results in glowing testes and possible infertility. 4) Wash hair briskly, remember its Austria and friggin’ cold in the morning. Don’t daydream and let SHT slip down to knee and start spraying water to the side, getting flat mate’s towel wet. Recover. 5)Center Self. Adjust temperature, with right hand. Rinse hair. Water too cold. Try again. Water too hot. FUCK. Open eyes to see valve, shampoo gets in eyes. FUCK. Rinse shampoo out. 6) Go for toothbrush, drop SHT again. Say, “Fuckit. Ill brush my teeth after the shower.” 7) Go for Conditioner. Apply, one-handed, because of fear to put SHT in between legs again. Readjust water temperature. Apply bodywash, drop SHT again when going to wash legs. 8. Step on SHT, grab facewash, squirt gob directly onto face. Scrub face with inside of arm. Rinse by placing face directly into stream of water that is shooting directly up from the floor of the tub and getting water on the ceiling and all over bathroom. 9) Turn off water. 10) Leap from tub. 12) Towel-Dry hair. 13) Notice you have left conditioner in hair. 14) Sprint, freezing, to room to dress self. 15) Apologize to flat mate, again, for getting his towel wet, and that he might want to wait a few hours to use his hairdryer because it’s a little wet too. 16) Step into day, cold, embarrassed, frustrated, angry, with sticky-unrinsed conditoner hair that makes you look like a jerk and smell like a girl, and bad breath because you forgot to brush your teeth. A day filled with challenges you hide from because you look like a jerk. A day filled worthy adversaries who beat you because you smell like a girl.

As you can see, Shower, there are some glaring inconsistencies between what you should be doing and what you are doing. If this behavior continues I’m going to be forced to turn the bathroom into a dog grooming parlor and fill your pipes with nappy, nappy dog hair.

Regards,

Shaan